Normalize (insert thing here) and Moderna Vertigo.

I’ve not written in the last week and a half because, two Saturdays ago, I got the second Moderna shot, with my bubble friend Mike…and holy fuck.
I told him, as we sped along the 404 towards the FreshCo.in Markham VERY early in the morning to get it (I love Vaccine Hunters, let me say THAT here, they are doing the good work that the province fucked up)… that I’m very sensitive (he already knows this) and was totally trying NOT to self fulfill ANY side effects.
He said we’d be fine. WE were fine the first time…we’d be fine the second time.
He was half right.

I DID feel fine the first day.
The second day? Achy and tired, so I nursed myself on the couch with CRAVE and UBER EATS, but basically fine.
Surely that would be it, right?
The next morning?
I woke up… went to sit up…and my head rolled like I’d imbibed a full large bottle of scotch…times 100.
Seriously, I have never felt anything like this…I burst out into a flop sweat, immediately barfed through my hands, and crawled through said barf to the bathroom with my eyes closed.
As I bawled and heaved and lay on the tiled bathroom floor, RINSE (literally) and REPEAT…I imagined the true poetry of writing ANOTHER blog (fuck, I hate that word) about my body betraying me AGAIN, so close on the heels of my perimenopause manifesto….and bawled…heaved…and wept again.
After about an hour, AN HOUR AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I crawled BACK to the bedroom (eyes closed…back through my barf) and reached up from the floor to my bedside table and grabbed my phone.

Me (eyes still closed): SIRI!! Sent THOM a text?

Siri: What do you want a text for Thom to say?

Me: 911. I’m not dying…but I wish I was. Sorry…but help, Diva.

I call Thom, Diva.
A few seconds later, I heard my phone ping…asked Siri to read the message to me, which she thankfully did…

Thom/Diva: Mama, I’m on my way. What colour Gatorade do you like?

…I answered and sat beside the bed, waiting for my friend to come.
It’s orange, by the way.
I pretend it’s freshie from the McDonald’s paper cup of my youth.

You guys.
You guys.
You guys.
There is no moment being single becomes more pronounced, than when you are barfing and spinning.
Trying to NOT feel sorry for one’s self is a full time gig.
What a motherfucking two days I had after that. AND THAT is truly the only way to properly state…my state.
I was bedridden for most of those days.
I could not look at a screen, read a book, or do anything, really…but lay in my bed and listen to podcasts and audio books…and be alone with my alone thoughts.
Which is always a recipe for happiness, right?

SPOILER:It’s not.

There was many a downward spiral that had to be positively self talked and dragged up, up, out of the proverbial drain.
I meditated at least two hours a day…for reals.
Both days, Thom came by and took care of me for a couple of hours…brought me Gatorade, fruit, he picked up the meds that my doc prescribed, and sat on the end of my bed and visited with me…he generally made sure I was okay and not spinning emotionally as well as physically.
My doc told me that this VERTIGO seemed to be a common side effect of the second dose of Moderna and that it would go away in a few days (the drugs actually helped a lot) but the dizziness might persist for a while longer.
A while longer.
What now?
So, here we are…seven days later…and I am finally feeling better.
Not 100%, people.
But Mike drove us to the country yesterday, and we hiked…so I must be on the upswing.
Holy crap balls.
That ALL being said? I would take the shot again.
I really would.
Of course, it’s easy to say that on THIS side of the madness…when my floors have been mopped, my clothes and bed clothes have been cleaned and I can actually look at my computer to write this.
Also, I have to tell you…my phone pinged and pinged all the live long days during those two days…with all the blesses people I love checking to see if I was dying.
It was…it was a time.
I hate to be dramatic…but is was TOTALLY dramatic.

AsK Thom.

But on Thursday…I had to work on Wednesday, which actually went well, thanks to medication…on Thursday, I laid in bed most of the day resting after going out to work, and just let my thoughts roll around.
Since I was seemingly past the worst of it, I felt almost relaxed. Almost.
I had music playing and the blinds were drawn half way, and I was in comfy clothes, just laying…thinking…and I had some thoughts…and I said them ALL to Siri, who dutifully captured them all.
Siri has been a real help this week. Who thought they would ever be able to say THAT? Thanks Steve Jobs.
And as for those thoughts? I have transcribed them here, and expanded upon them.
They all kind of followed a theme that had nothing to do with VERTIGO or my second shot…but in a theme, they were.

1. Normalize women emerging in their 50’s.
I thought a lot about how women are really pushed towards the pasture…creatively, in desirability, as mavericks and badasses…when they reach the mid century mark as men are being raised high. This idea isn’t new. But I think this is the part of a woman’s life when she has more to say, to give, and feel, than ever. In all ways. The 50 year old (and older) woman has a story and ideas that need to be amplified…and celebrated…and listened too. And THIS should not be a thing…it should just…be normal. Mary Walsh made an amazing speech at the CSA’s three years ago, about how she was happy to be past the point of being an object of a man’s desire, so that she could really dig into her life and tell worthwhile stories (I paraphrase) and I jumped to my fucking feet to clap for her, like in that meme of Meryl Streep at the Oscars. Indeed.

2. Normalize being exactly who you are…and it not only being OKAY to be exactly who you are…but it being the ONLY way to live.
Loved or hated…I have long admired Chelsea Handler. I am not on board for all that she embarks on BUT I am totally on board for her entire lack of fucks to give. She is totally herself. Brash, harsh, truthful, naked, sexy, handsome, manly, womanly…everything. She is just exactly who I really think she is. And it works for her…it really does. Does it work for her MORE because she is blonde and very shapely? Maybe…but she’s am amazing example for all of us, to just fucking be ourselves and relish it. Roll in it. Let all of your life force and art (if you are indeed an artist) come from that place inside where you are really you. Say what you mean. Live by your rules. Speak your opinions. Support your ideas. Don’t take any shit. Do you think you’re weird? WELL, LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY!! LIFE IS SHORT, PEOPLE. Don’t be someone else. Even THEY are probably having a problem being them…be you.

3.Normalize not justifying yourself or your choices.
I just finished watching Mary of Easttown, which by the way, is fucking fabulous.
Last week, I accidentally called it Mare of Winningham, and that tickled me to no end.
Now Mare, as played by Kate Winslett, has some…challenges, to say the very least…also, I am aware that she is a character and not a real person, so please don’t AT me…as the kids say.
That being said? I was taken by her belief in her life being what it was supposed to be, fucked up and all, and that being just fucking fine for the moment.
She made no apologies, she followed her gut, she let herself be fucked up if she was fucked up, she believed in her choices, didn’t smile if she didn’t fucking feel like it and she was the wise boss of her life. Mare is a lot #2 on this list. YES! I KNOW IT’S NOT A REAL STORY. BUT STILL.

4. Normalize that when a man tells you he’s married…that you believe him.
CONTROVERSIAL. But is it?
Walk away.
Move on.
Save yourself for someone who deserves you.
I swear to god, if women stopped dating married men, there would be such a shift in our collective self confidence, it would be staggering.

5. Normalize being round, strong, healthy AND powerful…and not having to change…and not having to wear a muumuu.
I will say this again and again until I am laying on my deathbed in my villa in Tuscany beside a 26 year old pool boy who is nursing me into my death. Why do we have to change our shapes? Why can we not be happy in our forms in the moment? Why is round unattractive? Or PERCEIVED to be unattractive? Why? I am healthy as fuck alongside the periomenopause and the waining VERTIGO…I am in shape. I can walk, ride and hike for miles. This should also not be a THING. Normalize NOT talking about other people’s forms. Again? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

6. Normalize taking risks in your 50’s.
AND BEYOND.

7. Normalize having a third, fourth or fiftieth career.
You don’t have to keep doing something that makes you unhappy or unfulfilled. Read that again. and then do #6.

8. Normalize being childless and fulfilled.
HOLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

9. Normalize having grown children and being ready to start anew.
What do you wanna do now that you have the time? What is your dream? Where the fuck do you wanna go?

10. Normalize being content with your own company.
: )

11. Normalize NOT always needed a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner.
: ) : )

12. Normalize being in love with your fucking life.
Sometimes, when I am walking around my home, hiking, driving my car, at work, I stop and put my hands out in front of me…and say, I AM 100% HAPPY RIGHT NOW. Because that SHIT NEEDS TO BE HONOURED.

13. Normalize changing your mind whenever you want…about anything.
Yup, I said it.

14. Normalize saying NO…and not having to justify THAT either.
No, I won’t do that. No, I am staying home. No, I’m not going. No, I don’t want that pair of pants. No. Just no. And THAT IS OKAY!!

15. Normalize being reliable
I listened to one of those Brene Brown podcasts that my therapist has been pushing on me like ice cream for almost two years….ye gods…because I had gone thought everything else in my audiobook file. And about 10 minutes in, I had to pull my car over to the side of the road because I was feeling it so hard. It was called Braving the Wilderness. She talks about a lot of things that resonated for me, but something that really struck me was how she talked about being a reliable person. I can be flaky sometimes with plans…and I realized that being reliable is just a good way to live your life. Show up. Do what you say you’re going to do. It seems like a small thing, but I know it made a big difference for me…and really was a feather in my self-esteem cap. Being reliable is as good for you, as it is for others.

15. Normalize moving away from people or situations that make you feel bad or unhappy.
After my marriage was over, a rock dude friend of mine who has been married four times (I know, god bless him) told me that the straightest way to peace, was to quietly extricate myself from people, situations, and social media followings that stayed involved with my ex-husband.
This will also be controversial…but I don’t care.
I did what my rock dude friend suggested AND it was totally the right thing to do.
It saved me over and over again. If people asked me why, I would softly (or at least as softly as I could at the time) tell them that I had to back off for a while and hoped to be back with them again one day…but right then? I needed my space, and focus.
Some people took it well, some didn’t…and, honestly, THAT wasn’t my problem…I had enough of my own problems to field. I had to take care of myself.
I realized that in the kind of situation I was in, society asks us to grin and bear it, and we do not have to…not for anyone. We get to pursue happiness. We get to thrive, not survive.
If people get to choose to keep contact with ex-life people, WE get to choose to be happy and not know it…and move on.
Simple as that.
And I stand by THAT with all my heart.

And finally…but no less importantly…

16. Normalize daily or weekly dance parties. I swear to god?
Life changing.

So, as you can see, I did a lot of thinking about a lot of things…not all will agree with all…but I am gonna put them out there, anyhow.
I am so glad to be on the other side of this VERTIGO…but the funny thing is…and forgive me for the camp rap up…but it made me see a bunch of things WAY MORE CLEARLY!!!

I know…it’s a wrap up…a button…but I still love it.

NAMASTÉ, Bunnies and Kitties.

June 13th, 2021, Toronto, ON

 

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