Love Yourself Now…or Love Yourself Never.
I was driving home from my pal’s cottage (it was an absolutely lovely trip, to say the very least) this weekend, and a stray thought slithered through my water logged, sun cooked and 100% peaceful/happy brain.
What if I could live, change, work, grieve, love, move, sleep and lay in my body…this body…without impunity or notice?
What would that look and feel like?
Read that again…and imagine.
I think I actually moaned out loud at this sudden, shocking and desirable thought.
I mean…IMAGINE.
IMAGINE just waking up, breathing, living, being and changing without anyone commenting, noticing or categorizing.
Fuuuuck.
WHY IS THIS SUCH A UNBELIEVABLE IDEA!??!? I ASK YOU!!!
I spent so much time in my bathing suit this weekend, that I was feeling myself, a bit.
Like, a lot.
To say it was pretty glorious, is an understatement.
I passed my hand over the outside of my thigh as I lay, basking in the sun, covered in 30 SPF (don’t at me…I was safe, humans), drying my lake-wet extremities, and thought, I am supple.
I took both hands through my unruly, warm, soft hair and thought, I am desirable.
After my sun day was done, I went inside, took off my suit I…scandalousness to follow…cupped my slightly damp, sun warmed breasts in my hands, weighing them…and thought, I am delightfully luscious.
It was quite a body journey, to say the very least.
It was utterly joyous, to say the most.
You see, I was, and am, striving to appreciate and love myself in every moment.
This is my goal. This is my task.
Which is a pretty big challenge but not an insurmountable one, I think.
Imagine, you guys, how much healthier we would be…mentally and physically…if we had the opportunity to experience the world without anyone judging our form.
Can you even?
As I watched cottage country fly by my car window, I breathed in and felt for one second what it would be like if we didn’t have a magnifying glass made of people’s judgement of our bodies every single day.
And it felt blissful.
This feeling was like a shot of alcohol warming my insides.
It was fucking intoxicating.
I want to put a disclaimer here…I have found myself, now that I am totally aware of it, as guilty of making thoughtless comments and decisions about people and their bodies as the next person…and I am REALLY working on it.
I can only expect people to be able to do what I can do myself, right?
Case in point: Just two days ago, I saw a good friend who I have not seen in almost a year, and when I saw him and gloriously double-vaxx-hugged him, he looked, and then felt, thinner to me…
…and when I hugged him the following popped out of my mouth without even thinking:
YOU are a sylph!
He took it well…but later at dinner, when I was talking about people judging other people’s bodies…railing about the lack of tact in regards to this…he mentioned that he always has had a hard time keeping on weight…and hates to hear how thin he might be.
My eyes flew wide.
Disappointment ran through me like an electric shock.
Fuck, I do it too. It is hard on both sides.
Lesson learned.
I will do my best to NEVER do this again.
Double lock, no take backsies.
What if?
What if we loved our bodies now. And now. And now.
For if we don’t love it now, how can we ever truly find peace in ANY kind of body change?
How can we ever truly find peace, period?
Think about THAT for a second.
I don’t want to wait to be my happiest self till I weigh less.
I just don’t.
I want to endeavour to be my happiest self NOW.
AND NOW.
AND NOW.
What if our body was no one’s business?
What if I never had to write about this again?
What if I never lost another ounce in my life and loved myself madly?
What if I gained weight and loved myself madly?
What if NO ONE EVER COMMENTED ON SOMEONE’S BODY EVERY AGAIN!?!?!
What if people moved on to other things…maybe their own things? Me included.
What if our bodies changed, grew, and did whatever the fuck they do, without anyone commenting…or even qualifying it?
I am gonna DO this…I am gonna start with me…and then move my attention elsewhere.
There are so many other things to be concerned about, really.
Let me rephrase…there are so many other things to be DELIGHTED about, TRULY!
Namaste, Humans.
SM -July 8th, 2021, Cottage Country.
Sharron…I am sitting here reading this, crying, with 8 full bottles of the newest “lose weight fast” pills in front of me…wondering if I can ever feel good again when I look at my body in the mirror. With a weight gain of 80lbs in the last 3 years since my husband left me for one of my best friends, I feel like I’ve almost used my body to sabotage my future happiness. Having always been a positive, energetic person, I now judge myself far more harshly than I judge anyone else….because of my body image. And you’re right. The time for judging has to stop now…of myself, and of others. Time to get back of the healthy track, appreciate who and what I am, and find the joy.
Thank you. Thank you,
Mama. Throw those pills in the garbage…or down the toilet. And be kind to yourself. You are allowed to love yourself right now. I feel you. Xoxoxo
Thank You Sharron, I agree totally. I am the weight that my great grandmother always wanted to be, but she was a farmers wife and worked sun-up to sundown caring for 16 children and could never get enough calories to stick on her bones. She was a big boned tall woman, and wanted to weigh 200 pounds, she wanted to be plump and rosy and soft to the touch. But she had to work too hard, she always looked half-starved.
I love the way my flesh feels, soft, warm, supple. strong for my age, but then I try to squeeze into too tight jeans that I hope don’t show my love handles, and forget that this body has survived ovarian cancer, Covid 19, several bouts of pneumonia, a clinical trial of a medication for HepC that brought forth the drugs that now cure millions, survived physical violence as a child , and has given birth to two beautiful children and cared for so many and made men happy. I’m 68, and it’s time to stop feeling like I’m not attractive just because I don’t look like I’ve had a ton of plastic surgery, and more importantly, as you point out, to stop looking at others with daggers, cutting and criticizing every inch of their perfect bodies. Life is perfection in and of itself!
A wonderful post. I’m as guilty as anyone, especially as a larger male, who has become much larger during lockdown in the UK, and has had that pointed out online. We all need to be better at everything. 🙂
(Not sure if fat men are luscious though 🤣)
re: luscious INDEED THEY ARE.
My self esteem is boosted! 🙂
This is wonderful Sharron and what I have been struggling with since I was 3. I take a few steps forward and then run right back with this dislike of who I am and what I look like. Your blog is just marvellous and could be an article you pitch, minus the F-bomb to many magazines. You have such a gift as a writer. Thanks.
ALWAYS INCLUDE THE F-BOMB!!! : ) xoxoxo
Great post. What a beautiful thought. I get a bit of teasing when I talk about weight loss because, they say, “You’re not fat!” (as if I don’t know anything). I point out that I’ve battled that “weight demon” since I was a teenager and I’m short. (that doesn’t help) It takes up a lot of headspace doesn’t it?
Beautiful. Thank you for this. We all need to read this!
Xoxo
Hi beautiful, love your blog! I see that it runs in your family,your writing is on point! Thanks for your honesty ,I look forward to reading your blogs they make me laugh and they make us look inward to let go of our judgment on crap that doesn’t matter! Keep up the good work ! Love u girl!