Cocaine, Infidelity, OCD’s and Soft Sand – Just a Few Thoughts.

(The following was written while Ray LaMontagne’s JOLENE and then Bob Schnieder’s KATIE was playing in the background…just for soundtrack reference, in case you would like this reading experience to be immersive and listen to two very diverse songs written about women, while you read this. UPDATE: at the end, Mariah’s FANTASY played, as well…just for flavour. ALSO, it was written on the Monday of the long weekend…so do the time machine work, will you?)

This long weekend, it kinda feels like I have shaken off the pandemic for a while…well, till the inevitable fourth wave arrives, anyhow…but the world could blow up before then, so I’m going to safely live in the moment.
Right?
SAFELY.

I’ve been having a lot of thinky-thoughts lately…too many to write entire blogs about, because I’m too busy enjoying the earlier mentioned break between the third and fourth wave. : )
So, in a fashion I’ve long enjoyed, I will list them below in bite sized pieces.
Some have nothing to do with one another, and others actually do.
I leave it to you to decide which is which…OH MY GOSH…MAYBE THIS IS AN IMMERSIVE EXPERIENCE!!!
Okay, here we go.

1. I hired a trainer…I KNOW…whose main goal, is to help me hike around the world till I die of a delightful old age, while scaling a hill, somewhere in Peru, after wrapping up a torrid affair with the local jack-of-all-trades.
The last part has nothing to do with my trainer and all to do with my hope to feel boatloads of desire in my golden years.
Right?
Anyway.
This trainer, Adrian (he is awesome), at the end of one of our workouts, tasked me with squeezing my butt (each cheek) around 100 steps a day, everyday while I walk, to build up my glute strength for climbing.
And, I gotta tell you, I quite enjoy it.
When I walk around the world, clenching my ass, I feel like I have a super secret mission to build up my stamina and strength.
And I choose to accept it.
Adrian is a cool dude, really wise, empathetic, knowledgable, a singular trainer AND he has only watched me cry twice…and that cry?…happened because of a really good stretch…BOTH TIMES!
After having many trainers who made me feel like I had to exercise till I puked, having someone who is really working at a pace that does not fuck you up for the rest of your life, but actually prepares you for it, is a real joy.
Truly.
I mean…check him out!! (He did not ask me to do this…this isn’t an INSTA deal…just sayin’)

http://www.https://www.trainwithadrianto.com/

2. I took shrooms once when I was living in Vancouver…who hasn’t, am I right?…and that experience is VERY close to the one I am experiencing every time I watch an episode of WHITE LOTUS with Ari. He agrees. I feel totally stoned every time I watch it…and am not. That is some powerful film making.
I am not sure if I like it or hate it, to be honest…also pretty powerful. Please share your thoughts below!

3. Sometimes, being a woman, is like making the long, hard, arduous climb to the top of a craggy, tall mountain…and when you get to the top…you stand up, and all you see is more mountains. Some will say this is the human condition…but I am going to stick with women. Please don’t email me. I stand by it.

4. I’ve been wrestling with the body positive movement. I know. Don’t freak out. I’m fairly certain that I have mentioned this earlier…anyhow!…I would dearly like to love and accept my body every day, in every way…and to do that? I NOW think I need new parameters…I need to join a new movement.
THE NEURTAL BODY movement.
This is a movement in which you accept, work with, and love exactly where you are at every day.
I love this. I really do.
It leaves you to just embrace everything, every state of yourself.
You can still work out…lose weight…gain weight…relax…have the cake…eat the spinach…ride the bike…ride the couch…hug your rolls…pass your hands over your sleekness…enjoy your muscles…and smile at your flesh.
THE NEUTRAL BODY!!
THIS IS WHERE I AM AT!!
It’s not a club, you guys.
You don’t need to become a member.
You don’t even need to talk about it.
I just REALLY like the state of mind and the mission statement, which seems to be just fucking love yourself. Now.
Even the smiling Buddha had a belly, and even the smiling Buddha probably did a sit up or a hike, and lost a few pounds. Just saying.

5. Speaking of TV, I’ve just finished watching Love is Blind: After the Altar. I know…judge me…I don’t care. It’s compelling entertainment. Most of the people involved seem…fairly decent…but there are two people…these two people…UG…these two EFFING PEOPLE….I had to put down my phone about a million times, and stop myself from tweeting about how terrible they truly are.
JUST THE WORST.
Of course, tweeting about them would add to the problem…BUT if you watch the show, please DM on INSTAGRAM…I would love to know who YOU think these two people are, how hard you screamed at the TV, and then we can privately share our thoughts.
That’s not too terrible, right?
Namaste. (I feel like I need to say, NAMASTE, here to cleanse my spirit…that being said, I await your DMs)

6. Today, I was so happy…my body was so full of relaxation and ease…I cried. Just soft, easy tears of joy.

7. I wrote my friend Mike a couple of days ago, and asked him if he and my dog niece, Maxine, wanted to go on an adventure today. He wrote back in the affirmative and asked what brand of adventure. Okay, Sharron what brand? I looked around the internet and decided that since we were going to try and adventure in the city, I wanted to go somewhere I have never been…and I’ve NEVER been to the Scarborough Bluffs.
I know, right?
WHAT A DELIGHT!!!
I grew up in Hamilton, where we taught to NEVER put your head in the water while swimming in Lake Ontario, so it’s always been weird to me, to go to the beach and swim in Toronto.
Also, it’s rocky and not happy on the feet.
YOU GUYS!! THE BEACH AT THE BLUFFS IS SOFT AND BEAUTIFUL SAND…something I have driven hours to have between my toes.
Mike and I found some street parking up at the top of the hill, strapped on our back packs and made our way down, down, down to this glorious beach, hiked around and took off our shoes and waded in.
Mike taught the mighty Maxine, the 6 month old cockapoo, to swim.
Also, because we were parked WAY up the hill, we were not looking forward to the climb at the end…but we found a BUS!!! A BUSSSSSSSS!!!!
When I got back to my apartment, my body was so released, relaxed, full and joyous.
That was when I cried.
I am grateful for the day…for my life…and for all the opportunity I have to enjoy more days like this.
God, I love the fucking outdoors. Please read the THE in the last sentence, for clarity.

8. I started counting again.
I realized that when I am wearing my mask, out in the world, and I am on my own, I count in my head. This is something I used to do when I was in my early teens, an anxiety and OCD response to stress. I will continue to wear the mask as long as is needed, but I am glad I am aware enough to see that there is a cost and respond with meditation, mindful thinking, CBT. There IS INDEED a cost to this pandemic, we all know this…it’s good to remember that when we are having a hard day.

9. Oh ya, the shrooms experience in Vancouver, was YEARS ago at a party my ex and I had in our loft apartment, Cloris Leachman was there (random) and I found someone doing coke in the bathroom, which was a bit beyond my speed, has always been and remains so. I asked the person to refrain from doing coke, AND THEN I ended up breaking up a fist fight in the hallway, while a dog sat at the end of the hallway watching it all. I was like, WOW, OUR PARTY IS SO COOL. ALSO? I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Also also…was there REALLY a dog? #shrooms (TO BE CLEAR, I AM NOT ENDORSING HARD DRUGS. THEY ARE NOT COOL. NOT AT ALL…but shrooms? Meh.)

10. On Saturday, I drove up to North York, parked my car, took out the outdoor chair that lives in my car during the summer…OH, there is also a yoga mat, a beach bag with my bathing suit/towels/SPF/coverup inside, hiking shoes, socks, change of clothes, and a beach umbrella in my trunk ALL SUMMER LONG…I don’t want to miss ONE outdoor opportunity. NOT ONE. ANYHOW…I drove to North York to watch my nephew in one the branches of my chosen family, play baseball.
I walked around the park looking for his team and passed by a diamond with fully grown men playing baseball, a number of times during the search.
When I realized that was THIS was his team and he was now a fully grown human, I felt in my gut how long we have ALL been apart.
I was thrilled to watch him play and his team won.
It was a glorious day. : )
#gostingers

11. Last week, I woke up from a dead sleep, in the WEEEE hours with my heart racing. I had to get up and make a cup of tea to calm myself down. I sat on my couch and looked out the window, mulling over all the thoughts, angst, and dreams that had brought me to this moment. I don’t think about marriage and cheating that much anymore, but when I do, it really marks my day and I have to work through it to move on. As I stirred my tea, looking at the city skyline in the dark, I thought,

“You know what, Sharron? I don’t know what’s worse…considering that the person you were married to was actually in some sort of a relationship with another person and shared the secrets of your life with this stranger, while you were still married to them OR that he was in a relationship with another person, while you were still married, and did not speak of you at all or that he was in a relationship with another person, while he was married to you, and spoke of you terribly. I really don’t know. I really don’t.”

I sat and breathed and breathed and breathed and finished my tea, got up and put it in the dishwasher, and went back to bed.

Don’t let anyone tell you when the end of moving on is. You can still cry from happiness and then wake from a nightmare, years later.
Infidelity is a real fucking bitch.
Full stop.
And you don’t really know unless you know.
So, don’t tell people when it’s time to move on or think you know when someone should be done with their very personal, terrible and sometimes wonderful journey.
Please don’t.

12. I went kayaking this week with my friend Mickey. He set up everything…he borrowed the kayak from his sister, for which I am very grateful. He picked the place, and made sure we were super safe.
I have NOT gone kayaking because I did not want to suffer the mockery or eyes of anyone who wanted to watch a big girl get in and out of a kayak.
Yes, we think that.
How fucking fucked up is that?
One day, I simply thought, FUCK IT.
AND it was amazing. Just amazing.
And I didn’t fall in OR out of it. I am gonna get one. MORAL? LIVE YOUR LIFE, PEOPLE!!

13. Okay, let’s finish on something happy.
I’ve been seriously considering getting a dog.
I know, it’s been a while…I just cannot seem to commit to it just yet BUT, as a result, I’m petting, meeting, hugging, and basically communing with every dog I see. EVERY DOG I SEE. I just cannot seem to commit to the responsibility, and now that I live on the higher floor of a condo during a pandemic, it seems like a lot of trouble.
BUT, the thought that did occur to me, because I will get a rescue dog when I do finally make the decision, is that somewhere, right now, my dog is living a life that will lead them to me. Isn’t that magic?

Namaste, Humans…and thanks, as always, for reading along. If you wanna subscribe? Fill out the little slot below!

August 2nd, 2021 – S.M.

Toronto, ON